Whereas, it has been determined as law in this state that it is a crime to knowingly emit any airborne carcinogens in any private business establishment that invites the public to enter, we have established these mandatory procedures to comply with required health standards, and no exceptions will be made.
No Smoking will be allowed within 500 feet of this establishment!
Upon entering, guests will be required to completely disrobe and check all clothing articles, shoes and personal effects which will be retained in our "clean room" holding area during their dining experience. Items will be returned to our guests upon departure. (All clothing emits carcinogens from new textile chemicals, dry cleaning and fabric softeners.)
Guests will also be required to pass though our disinfectant showers to remove any carcinogenic traces of perfume, after shave lotion, skin cream, hairspray or other chemicals.
Guests will find that we have now removed all carpeting and upholstery in our dining and bar areas to eliminate dust mite threats. You will now be dining in plastic protected splendor. Note: We will no longer be decorating your table with candles.
Whereas, it has been determined by law that coffee, butter, salad dressing and desserts are unhealthy and unnecessary for a balanced diet; these items will no longer be available on our menu. (Guests will also be required to sign a waiver before they will be served any water, to protect this establishment from any future prosecution, as it has also been determined that water contains a vast number of carcinogens. We cannot be responsible for the health of those guests still desiring to consume water.)
Any and all alcoholic beverages will be pre-mixed in our special clean room before serving and hermetically sealed to eliminate any evaporation of ethyl alcohol into our sterile environment. Imbibing alcoholic beverages will only be allowed by using the special self sealing straws we provide with our sealed containers.
Whereas, the serving of undercooked meat is now illegal and current laws have abolished any open cooking or flame-required preparation (including grilling, frying or broiling), our entrees will now all be prepared by boiling or slow cooking and will be only served well done.
Whereas, the only form of credit or payment currently allowed by law is your National Identification Card, our guests will have their dinner checks charged to their twenty-four (24) digit National Debit Card. upon leaving. Please note: A disinfectant service charge of forty percent (40%) and a service tip of twenty percent (20%) will be added to your check before the final total is determined.
We hope you will enjoy your new dining experience and return soon. - The Management